An Extra, Terrestrial Study

Subjects: 1

-Personal Profile-

Hello, my name is boogie-ooogidie-muahahaha-eeeeepppp-phiiiiiiii-bwarrrawwwrrrrr ...etc. I am at this point mostly hydrogen and I learned that from staring at it for seven hours straight and I hail from Topeka, Kansas. I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY MOST DEFINITELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. I spend most of my time imitating the sound a broken sprinkler makes using a form of polyphonic Morse Code which I developed in my [very limited] spare time. However, I am happiest when perspiring to jives, disengaging from sticky games fo leapfrog, and leaking information about the rumored "container." I wish I could turn into a gold prospector, complete with potbelly, beard, and hootenanny. My teeth are all basically there except that I have two extras at the moment (soon to be four) and one is slightly bent out of shape and needs to be taught a lesson as soon as it gets back from Albania where it is trying to usurp the throne from the zombie King Zog. the government is giving me a goldfish. I am going to paint a number 2 on the side and ask them where the first one is.

Three weeks ago, having been flatulated at by the butt monster of Europa, I have also been sentenced to Illinois, after which I accidentally left my keys in my I don't care for any thanks. That was when I noticed that my car was gone. I looked everywhere for it, but it wasn't everywhere... which means someone knew how to dismantle the bomb in the back seat. That's when I knew I was up against one of those bomb-dismantling types, the kind you don't want to mess with. I started to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, I ended up on this boat while I was chasing the man that I sewed together from body parts through the arctic wilderness and one thing led to another... I wonder why they keep testing me. I wonder what is in the meatloaf they are feeding me. WHY DID THEY PAINT MY BEDROOM THAT COLOR! I'm not sure about anything anymore...

In my last memory I woke up and I was in this dank smelly cave and there was a big hairy slobbery dog sleeping at my feet. So I tiptoed past him and walked up the creaky stairs that were blue for some reason and reached a room with a box in it that was much colder on the inside than the outside. For some reason it made the region below my thoracic cage growl with anger. I kept walking and found an exit to the outside world where I sat down in front of another box with a glowing window in it. And here I am.

...Calibrating data...

-Statistics-

Average hairs lost in a day: 2,000,000,000,000,000,000

Rate of tooth decay: 0.3pas

Expected rate of paper growth: Yes%

Ratio of apostrophes to words: Calculating...

Reviews: 3K

Average rating: 80W, 2S [K-L64f time]

Reason for experimentation: Abnormally abnormal, confusingly attractive.

Chance of radioactively decaying into a mongoose: 100%

Approximate level of drainage: 8kwh

Expected color scheme:

-Final Evaluation-

According to our esteemed Jovian foreman, this man has been deemed a mistaken subject, as he is definately already a part of Jovian society. We do not expect that he will rack up a dental bill; he is, of course, expected to radioactively decay into a mongoose. He is to be released onto the Europa12 Sector 7B as soon as possible. Apologize and give him his Albanian tooth back as a souvenir of his time on Earth.

Subjects: 3

Error: Inconclusive Data.

-Personal Profile-

Hello, my name is ? La Hermana Mayor!! ;P <3. I am 19 years, 8 months, 17 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes old and I hail from Topeka, Kansas. I am a female girl chica senorita. I spend most of my time trying to curb my fire-breathing habit; in jail; in the hospital. However, I am happiest when snorkeling, unraveling lackluster maxims, perspiring to jives, petrifying peppermint, harmonizing without hesitation!, dealing with whiny fabric, bicycling to victory, helping those in need, and engaging in other wholesome activities. I wish I could turn into a seven year old child with naturally blue hair. My teeth are little, not as white as my brother's, and constantly in danger of becoming crooked again if I don't restrain them with my retainer. The government is giving me a goldfish. I am going to name it PATRIOT ACT, and I won't say anything important, private, or suspicious in front of it.

Three weeks ago, when I was sentenced to this place outside my window right now, where rain is coming down fast and the lightning is an eerie green, the clouds are almost black, the sun is out, the lightning is purple, and the thunder is getting quieter all the time, I acidentally left my keys in my room. That is when I noticed that my car was gone. I looked everywhere for it, but it wasn't everywhere... which  means someone knew how to dismantle the bomb in the back seat. That's when I knew I was up against one of those bomb-dismantling types, the kind you don't want to mess with. I started yelping in fear.

Anyway, I ended up on this boat when I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies but... I am not on a boat. I wonder why they keep testing me. I wonder what is in the meatloaf they are feeding me. WHY DID THEY PAINT MY BEDROOM THAT COLOR! I'm not sure of anything anymore...

My last memory is of clicking the part II button.

...Calibrating Data...

-Statistics-

Average hairs lost in a day: 3

Rate of tooth decay: 0.001pas

Expected rate of paper growth: 0.2%

Ratio of apostrophes to words: Calculating...

Reviews: 27

Average rating: 112W, 22N [K-L64f time]

Reason for experimentation: Questionable ninja status.

Chance of radioactively decaying into a mongoose: 2%

Approximate level of drainage: 11kw

Expected color scheme:

-Final Evaluation-

According to our esteemed Jovian foreman, this woman has been deemed a minimal threat to Jovian society. We do not expect that she will "rack up" a dental bill; she is not expected to radioactively decay into a mongoose. She is to be set free on the island outside of Western body 22B, in sector 131. Leave her with a roadmap and some money and a pack of peanuts, along with anything else she requests within reason/budget.

Emz. 

<Status>

Incomplete Testing. Awaiting Completion by Subject.

Subjects: 1

-Personal Profile-

Hello, my name is Lava Lips. I am 1337 years old and I hail from Topeka, Kansas. I am female, in both primary and secondary sex characteristics. I spend most of my time exploding stuff in the microwave... that looks less like peeps at some point. However, I am happiest when sending genes glancing across a stock ocean. I wish I could turn into an eagle. My teeth are lavalicious. The government is giving me a goldfish. I am going to name it Fluffy.

Three weeks ago, when I was sentenced to an apocalyptic world where only a few humans had survived, and I was the colony's leader, and fire-breathing dragons now exist, for an unexplained reason, I accidentally left my keys in one of my three bedrooms, you guess which. That is when I noticed that my car was gone. I looked everywhere for it, but it wasn't everywhere... which means someone knew how to dismantle the bomb in the back seat. That's when I knew I was up against one of those bomb-dismantling types, the kind you don't want to mess with. I started reacting like a frightened person in fear.

Anyway, I ended up on this boat when I was reacting like a frightened person. I came to be associated with one Owen F. Johnson through one Bobcat, whom I met through calculus class. Sir Owen then threw a tea party, during which I met Miss Topeka, and she beckoned me onto her ship. It has been a pleasant ride ever since. I wonder why they keep testing me. I wonder what is in the meatloaf they are feeding me. WHY DID THEY PAINT MY BEDROOM THAT COLOR! I'm not sure about anything anymore...

I have a memory of meeting James' parents for the first time, this past weekend, and how hospitable everyone was and how funny his grandfather was. That's the last memory I have that I think I will keep with me forever.

...Calibrating Data...

-Statistics-

Average hairs lost in a day: 34

Rate of tooth decay: 0.77pas

Expected rate of paper growth: 133.7%

Ratio of apostrophes to words: 5:216

Reviews: 13

Average rating: 12W, 60N [Hades time]

Reason for experimentation: Anomaly in pigmentation of hair.

Chance of radioactively decaying into a mongoose: 97%

Approximate level of drainage: 800kw

Expected color scheme:

-Final Evaluation-

According to our esteemed Jovian foreman, this woman has been deemed an immediate threat to our society. Her pricy dental bills as well as expected rate of radioactive decay into a "mongoose" are unspeakable. She will have to be quarantined until we have developed a more effective "mister thirsty" machine. However, her opinion of the Jovian Europanees is quite fascinating. Europeans are the creepy tea-drinkers and factionists of the planet... but what are chimpanzees? Our staff can only guess at this enigma. We must bring her in for further questioning, and remember to ask her why she keeps demanding this mystery "vegetarian meatloaf."

<Pan-avg sum.>

-Personal Profile-

Hello, my name is Blah. I am 3 billion years old and I hail from Topeka, Kansas. I spend most of my time mixing mud for my latest culinary creation. However, I am happiest when ripping up foxes. I wish I could turn into a uterus, but am mollified by the fact that my teeth are pretty. The government is giving me a goldfish. I am going to name it Scarfy.

Three weeks ago, having been sentenced to school, I acidentally left my keys in my locker. That was when I noticed that my car was gone. I looked everywhere for it, but it wasn't everywhere. ...which means someone knew how to dismantle the bomb in the back seat. That's when I knew I was up against one of those bomb-dismantling types, the kind you don't want to mess with. I started swimming to Prussia in fear.

Anyway, I ended up on this boat when I was swimming to Prussia. I felt a warm, hand-like shape reaching into the chilling water behind me, eventually grabbing me by my collar. I wonder why they keep testing me. I wonder what is in the meatloaf they are feeding me. WHY DID THEY PAINT MY BEDROOM THAT COLOR! I'm not sure about anything anymore...

 ...Calibrating Data...

-Statistics-

Average hairs lost in a day: 34

Rate of tooth decay: Error: Inconclusive data.

Expected rate of paper growth: .02%

Ratio of apostrophes to words: Calculating...

Reviews: 29

Average rating: 16E, 21S [Hades time]

Reason for experimentation: <To be filled out by presiding lab tech.>

Likelihood of radioactively decaying into a mongoose: 82%

Approximate level of drainage: 33kw

Expected Color Scheme:

-Final Evaluation-

 According to our esteemed Jovian foreman, this man has been deemed a danger to society. His pricy dental bills as well as expected rate of radioactive decay into a beast we shall not name are unspeakable. He will have to be quarantined.

How will the expert keep pace with every sentimental incompetence?

[A c-tunnel jerks the commentary.] st.dir.

-Personal Profile-

<To be completed by human studies expert.>

-Statistics-

<To be completed by presiding lab tech.>

-Final Evaluation-

<To be completed by Jovian Foreman.>